Four years at one of the finest educational institutions in the south graced me with a Bachelor of Science and Education degree in Sport Management. The University of Georgia prepared me for a vast array of circumstances and situations I had the propensity to find myself in after graduation. Professionally, physically, mentally and socially sound, I stepped into the world of commerce anxious to make my mark. Uprooting to the Dallas-Fort Worth area, I found myself with few contacts and even fewer leads, but soon located a place among those hereforth referred to as "TopGolfians".
They are a strange and fascinating species, these "TopGolfians." At first I was afraid. Heck, I was petrified, thinking I could never live with these folks by my side. Still, with student loans quickly coming due and my inner curiosity desperate for more information on their culture, I found myself tumbling into the abyss from which no man escapes. I would walk among these "TopGolfians" and study their habits. How did they manage such excitement and enthusiasm so regularly? What compelled their apparently inherent need to please their guests and welcome them as one of their own? I had to discover their secret. I had to uncover the truth.
Not long into my experimental study was I invited to partake in a seemingly ceremonial event. It would come to light that these "TopGolfians" practice similar activities to ones I had previous experience with. You see, this was not my first exposure or immersion into the culture of another tribe. As mentioned previously, I completed my degree, and with it gained professional, physical, mental, and above all, social abilities rivaling that of any peer. In my journeys through the Greek social structure of the University of Georgia, I participated in the social congregations most commonly known as "theme parties." From luau to hoedown and everything in between, I became well-versed in the art of disguise.
Now it would take every fiber of my being (and closet) to pull off some of my most convincing ensembles. My first interaction was with "Suits and Boots." These absurd individuals dress in antithesis preparation for their native climate with swimwear in the heart of winter. Only frilly boots and beanie headpieces stage off pneumonia. Then there was our '70s Christmas, when I took great strides in my research and was invited to collaborate with select other "TopGolfian" leaders. In an effort to portray one of the finer cinematic mystery cartoons of its day, I felt a hint of irony dressing as a character steadfast in his ability to make sense of his surroundings.
Finally, the very individuals I have metaphorically set under the microscope for months at this point staged a ceremony in celebration of our military heroes. As a man discharged following four honorable years of service in The United States Navy, it touched my humanity to observe this act of appreciation. A twinge of confusion and uncertainty overwhelmed me as I approached the sliding gates to their dwelling. No longer did I feel an outsider to the bizarre slapping of hands and bumping of fists. No more did I feel a curiosity to study a group, but a desire to share in it.
They had welcomed in a stranger, as they had so many before me, and in a wave of enlightenment I came to realize a simple truth. "TopGolfians" aren't genetically predisposed to kindness. "TopGolfianism" grows through the socialization of TopGolf culture, and it is infused into the souls of those who immerse themselves willingly. Should you find yourself near a TopGolf settlement and abort all preconceived notions of hospitality, I'd be happy to welcome you into my new-found home.