As we sit here and patiently wait for the Big Game to kick off (during this awkwardly long bye week), let’s take a moment to prepare for the highly anticipated watch party. To fully understand the dynamics of such a party, here are a few of the different types of individuals who you might see around your gathering come Feb. 5.
The Snack Table Hawk
While this foodie may seem to be constantly nibbling, he or she is also watching very closely to see how many people are trying their “award-winning” spinach dip, which happens to be super watery and heavy on the spinach. This proud chef will make subtle comments to each passerby about how good it is, but no one bites.
Can Never Find a Seat Guy
He can just never find a seat.
This person finds every commercial to be the funniest thing ever. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal except that he/she has the kind of laugh that cannot be ignored. And this person can be seen looking around at everyone else to see if they are laughing too. We all know the laugh. Whether it’s yet another beer ad with big horses or a dog driving a car, The Laugher can’t get enough it. Sadly, you find yourself beginning to hope that the commercials take a serious tone about the American spirit or something emotional.
Mr. Know It All
This guy offers minute-by-minute running commentary as if John Madden was right in your living room. The 3+ hours of SportsCenter he consumes on a daily basis, his back-to-back-to-back-to-back fantasy football championships and his one-size-too-small autographed Troy Aikman jersey are clear indicators that he knows his stuff.
Lady Who Sparks a Random Discussion About Roman Numerals When Critiquing Logo
It’s the one time of the year that you have to think about Roman numerals, and you always hope it’s your last. After deciphering that an ‘L’ represents 50, you wonder why Roman numerals are still a thing … kind of like cursive.
This individual makes 7-10 very bold predictions throughout the game just for attention. Onside kick on the opening kickoff? Come on, dude. Flea flicker on 3rd and inches? Sure. He knows if he were to get one of them right, he could possibly be elevated to Mr. Know It All status.
Person Who Feels Like Tom Brady is in The Big Game Every Year
Way Too Close to The TV Guy
This mysterious fellow doesn’t talk much at all during the party, but when he does, it’s mumbled to Mr. Know It All. During halftime, he’ll make a pass by the snack table, touch everything, not eat anything and then return to his spot – five inches from the TV.
Is It Hot in Here? Lady
This lady somehow weaves this question into every conversation, with every single person at the party until she gets enough votes to turn up the A/C.
Keeps a majority of the guests who could care less about football entertained for three hours.
The Dog’s Favorite Toy
This is supposedly “somewhere in the living room” and causes everyone to waste eight minutes searching for it, only to discover that it was outside the whole time.
The Guy Who Makes Himself at Home, Even Though It’s Not His Home
He takes off his shoes and puts his jacket on the kitchen table – or somewhere else that is very much in the way. He’s usually the first one to peek in the fridge even though everything the host wants people to eat is displayed on the snack table. He may or may not lay on a couch that has room for three people and take a nap.
The Little Giants
These are the kids who show up to the party with the guest that is only going to stay for “a little bit.” In that short period of time, these kids manage to trip at least two people on their way to the snack table, knock over a lamp with a football, scream at their mom during the funniest commercial and successfully change the TV channel to INPUT 7 or some unknown frequency of static because they want to play Xbox.
Has Work in The Morning Couple
This couple abruptly gets up with around six minutes left in the 3rd quarter and announces to everyone that they have “better get going” because they have work in the morning. We all do. They should have made that move during halftime - instead, they block everyone’s view during a crucial third down.
Person Who Doesn’t Show Up and Goes to Topgolf Instead
This person bypasses most of these individuals and enjoys an awesome night of food, drinks, games and dozens of HDTVs to watch the game.