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If Premier League Strikers<br/> Played Topgolf

If Premier League Strikers
Played Topgolf

Footballers love a day on the golf course - and some are even spotted at Topgolf occasionally. But how would the Premier League’s top marksmen fare in a Topgolf competition? We took some time to imagine who would come out on top in a Shootout between your favourite goalscorers.

You’ve got to find something to keep yourself occupied during the off-season…

1) Harry Kane

Despite getting off to a slow-start, Harry Kane begins to accumulate points after the first few rounds then begins to bang shots into the targets from every angle imaginable. Nobody is quite sure how he does it but no matter how awkward and unnatural his swing looks, Harry seems to land in the centre target every single time.

After scoring over 1 trillion points and winning the golden club two games in a row, certain other jealous player refer to him as “as a one season wonder” and can’t wait to see how he’d do at Spanish Topgolf, where he’d surely be exposed for the fraud he is.

He’s out there practising after everyone’s gone home.

GOLFER: Luke Donald RocketBallz Driver by Tour Pro Golf Clubs is licensed under CC BY 2.0
FOOTBALLER: Harry Kane by cfcunofficial (Chelsea Debs) London is licensed under CC BY 2.0

2) Olivier Giroud

Giroud frustrates and delights onlookers in equal measure, his delicate lobs and chips drawing gasps of admiration but his lack of aggression and habit of celebrating shots that he pulled off two weeks ago completely infuriating the crowd. Often far more effective when brought on as a replacement for another more reliable Topgolfer, Giroud is a bigger hit at the bar with the ladies than he is on the bays.

Probably finishes fourth, or gets nowhere near winning the title but comes out on top in an enjoyable but ultimately meaningless game of pool after the main event has finished. Later found live snapchatting his post-game moisturising routine as furious Arsenal fans demand Wenger is sacked as caddy, outside Topgolf in a nearby car park.

“Get him off and give his clubs to Sanchez.”

GOLFER: Dustin Johnson 2011 by Keith Allison is licensed under CC BY 2.0
FOOTBALLER: Olivier Giroud by Soccer Bible

3) Diego Costa

“How has he never received a three-game ban?”

Wins the bitter hatred of those playing against him within seconds and will stop at nothing to gain an advantage, whether it’s spiking Olivier’s glass of red wine with salt and vinegar or yelling “Wembley” at Harry Kane whenever he pulls back his club. Somehow avoids getting thrown out by never quite crossing the red bay line.

However, Diego is a winner at heart and a combination of crafty tactics and brute strength win him the Topgolf Trophy (despite attempting to switch clubs with someone else midway through a game), much to the chagrin of pretty much everyone but himself. Refuses to leave the Surrey Topgolf at 1am closing time as he hasn’t finished dancing around in a Topgolf Chigwell shirt.

“How has he never received a three-game ban?”

GOLFER: Photo Ernie Els by billypoonphotos is licensed under CC BY 2.0
FOOTBALLER: Diego Costa by Aleksandr Osipov is licensed under CC BY 2.0

4) Aguero

If only he wasn’t so injury-prone…

Unstoppable when in the mood, the pocket rocket Aguero has dynamite in both hands and is just as comfortable playing with the lefty irons as the right. The only Topgolfer with a better target to shot ratio than Kane, Sergio makes it looks easy as he ruthlessly punishes any misses by other players with pinpoint clips into the corners of every target.

Swing after calculated swing, there’s no halting Sergio’s march towards Topgolf glory, until he suffers repetitive strain injury midway through games after executing the same perfect finish so many times in a row.

If only he wasn’t so injury-prone…

GOLFER: Dustin Johnson 2012 by Tour Pro Golf Clubs is licensed under CC BY 2.0
FOOTBALLER: Sergio Agüero by Ludovic Péron is licensed under CC BY 3.0

5) Mane

Even more devastating than Sergio when he’s in the mood, the other Topgolfers just cannot cope with Mane’s pure aggression. The Senegalese goes for the big shots every time, and races into an early, seemingly unassailable lead, compounded by his habit of racing through shots three balls at a time and forcing everyone else to play at his own breakneck speed.

However, Mane’s aggression soon leads to his downfall as gamble after gamble fails and the other players sneak back into the game by consistently chipping into the red target. The neutral’s favourite to watch for a reason, exciting yet unreliable Sade misses out on top spot but slides into third place.

Did you see what he did to Ben Davies at Topgolf last year? Destroyed him.

GOLFER: Vijay Singh by nostalgic_fordisaster is licensed under CC BY 2.0
FOOTBALLER: Sadio Mané by Werner100359 is licensed under CC BY 2.0

6) Marcus Rashford

Doesn’t always get the chance to shine but when he does, shows exciting glimpses of what could be, with an intriguing blend of Aguero’s natural corner finishing, and Mane’s directness and speed of play. Rashford gets off to a promising start, but inexperience gets the better of him when his defensive curmudgeon of a caddy takes him off for Daly Blind two thirds of the way through the games.

GOLFER: A brief comparison... by FootballCoin.
FOOTBALLER: Tiger Woods by Keith Allison is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

7) Andy Carroll

The bigger they are, the harder they fall off their bar stool

Declares himself the “100 points a game man” before arriving at the range (despite never scoring over ten goals, sorry – points in a single round of Topgolf games). Everybody else in the venue gets swept up in Andy’s hype and some even make claims that on his day, Carrol is as good at Topgolf as anyone in the country.

Injures himself falling off a bar before he even gets to the bays and is unable to compete for the afternoon.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall off their bar stool.

GOLFER: Padraig Harrington by Keith Allison is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0
FOOTBALLER: Andy Carroll 20111205 by Badudoy is licensed under CC BY 3.0

Topgolf is showing Premier League, Champions League and even some SPL live in all our venues this season. 
Keep an eye on our fixtures page for what’s coming up.

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