The golfing world has finally admitted its favourite game is not a real sport, following a compelling argument made by a man who has never actually played golf before.
“I always considered golf to be a sport,” professional golfer Lewis Godtschalk informed our interviewer. “But now this guy who has never played it and doesn’t like watching it has said otherwise, I’ve been forced to reconsider my views.”
The “golf is not a sport” argument was tweeted at Tiger Woods yesterday morning, by an anonymous internet troll, from a Watford WiFi cafe. “Golf’s not a sport. Neva played but looks boring. Darts much betta,” the wise troll commented.
The persuasive force of this thoughtful argument has shaken the golfing world to its foundations. Not only have local pros such as Godtschalk walked out on their club roles, leading players are now abandoning the sport and heading to their nearest Red Lion.
“I can strike a golf ball hundreds of meters through the air at speeds of over 250mph,” one prominent American star confessed to the press. “But thanks to @golfiscrap98 I have come to the realisation that I’ll never match the sheer athleticism of your average pub darts player. I have a lifetime of catching-up to do.”
“T**** is right,” another current tour player (who wishes to remain anonymous) added. “I have spent all morning feeling overweight and slobbish in comparison to darts players. Yes, I spend ages on the weights machine in order to build strength, speed and flexibility – but those guys prepare for their sport with countless hours of eating crisps, drinking lager and playing on the fruit machine,” our source admitted, shamefully. “Let’s see Dustin Johnson drink fifteen pints and birdie a tricky par 4. We’re not fit to lace Phil Taylor’s drinks."
“The only real athlete in golf,” he declared, “is John Daly.”
This is a satirical article and in no way real news. You will (probably) not find Rory Mcilroy playing darts in your local tonight.