This weekend’s headline game was of course, Liverpool vs Manchester City, where the Reds put an end to the Sky Blues’ incredible unbeaten streak.
Some City fans suggested they were relieved at the run finally ending, with one supporter claiming, “this is a good thing; the pressure of winning all the time just wasn’t worth it” - with all the conviction of a man losing out on dinner at the Ivy with Scarlett Johansson and claiming, “this is a good thing; the pressure of ironing my shirt and booking a table just wasn’t worth it.”
Pep checking out some sexy pressing statistics.
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While Salah and Co. ran riot, many pointed to the errors of City keeper Ederson as a factor behind City’s loss. Ederson has been lauded for his innovative passing-out-from-the-back this season but appeared to take things one step too far when completing a thirty-yard one-two with opposition forward Mo Salah, who promptly chipped over the helpless Brazillian to claim his 19th strike of the season. The loss of Phil “little wizard” Coutinho doesn’t appear to have affected Liverpool just yet.
Speaking of wizards, Everton owner Farhad Moshiri this week “revealed” that Romelu Lukaku rejected a contract extension with the Toffees last season due to the striker’s mother having a voodoo epiphany while undergoing pilgrimage in Africa. The voodoo was against Everton once again on Saturday night, with a little magic from criminally underrated Son Heung-Min further banishing Tottenham’s “Wembley hoodoo” with a 4-0 thrashing of the Blues.
“We weren’t boring enough,” claimed Blues boss and famed footballing entertainer Sam Allardyce. “We need to be more boring.” No, we don’t know how it would be possible for Big Sam’s football to become even more tedious either - but fair play if he achieves the impossible. We suggest more voodoo; perhaps he could stick pins into a wax figure of Pep Guardiola.
The type of excitement Big Sam hates to see at
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Spirituality was very much in evidence at Selhurst Park, where striker Bakary Sakho sunk to his knees and prayed after grabbing a winner midway through the first half. Indeed, some would suggest that after Palace’s abysmal start to the season, their ongoing excellent form represents nothing less than a heaven-sent miracle from the skies above.
Flying in the face of current footballing fashion, pundits have suggested Palace’s unlikely recovery is down to Roy Hodgson, an aging, failed ex-England manager so seemingly mundane he makes water-loving Gareth Southgate appear a cross between Gazza and Cardi B, inspiring Palace’s youngsters on the training ground. Presumably by dishing out Werther’s originals whenever someone completes the bleep test.
David Moyes’ West Ham did their bit for the fightback of “boring” coaches with a 4-1 hammering of Huddersfield. Father of Wolf Nine, Andy Carroll, gave way to Lanzini and Marko Arnautovic, who ripped The Terriers apart in a manner Carroll must surely hope his canine-inspired son will do one day. Carroll is rumoured to be Chelsea bound, who limped to a 0-0 draw with ten-man Leicester City. Morata, Hazard and co. were so off-the-pace it led to some fans questioning if the pitch was the only place they had tried to keep up with hangover-defying human dynamo Jamie Vardy that weekend. The Carroll—Chelsea story points to increasing pressure on last season’s manager of the season Antonio Conte.
Gary Cahill loves orange juice so, so much.
Of course, no Head Coach is under as much pressure as Arsene Wenger, whose Arsenal side capitulated to a 2-1 defeat at Bournemouth after taking an early second half lead through Mickey Stewart lookalike and part-time social media executive Hector Bellerin, who was presumably gutted that he missed out on three points and the opportunity for a post-victory selfie. For a fanbase that appears to be united by memes alone, it’s bad enough that Alexis Sanchez and his dogs are departing the club, let alone Hector missing the chance to earn some morale-boosting Instagram likes.
At the time of writing, we are hours away from Manchester United taking on Stoke City at Old Trafford – a game in which Romelu Lukaku should require no paranormal assistance whatsoever in order to rack up a few goals for fantasy managers across the land. Then again, if David Moyes can play entertaining football and Sam Allardyce believes his teams can become even more unbearable to watch, who knows what could be possible?
Topgolf shows all live televised Premier League matches – with the sound on and drinks offers available, of course.