Shockwaves were sent through the sporting community this weekend, as a guest at Topgolf admitted that the fact he finishes last every single time he plays is his own fault.
“Normally, I’d make up a list of ridiculous excuses for losing,” Watford FC fan and rubbish Topgolfer Elliot Dawson confessed. “But there’s no hiding now. This is the fifth time in a row I’ve lost and I’ve finally run out of fake reasons.”
Those who accompany Dawson to Topgolf have confirmed he does indeed have a history of being an excuse-making fraud.
“In the past, Elliot has blamed everything under the sun for scoring zero points,” revealed a close friend. “First it was because he’d never played before. Then it was because he’d drunk way more than us. Last time he claimed his bad luck was caused by walking across the path of his girlfriend’s black cat.”
Such claims of misfortune were taken at face value at the time but after bitching behind his back, Dawson’s best mates soon realised he was talking utter nonsense.
“We realised Elliot’s reasons for losing were nothing more than lies,” our source professed. “First, one of the lads said that he went on a week-long golfing holiday with Elliot with last summer, where he blamed his poor swing on the hot weather. Then, we realised that every time he comes to Topgolf, he deliberately orders a non-alcoholic beer. Finally, we had a scroll through his girlfriend’s Instagram and found that her “black cat” is actually a golden retriever.
But was the detective work worth it?
“To be honest, we’re a bit upset that he’s stopped making excuses,” the group admitted. “Watching Elliot miss the ball and spin around 360 degrees before falling over and blaming it on a strong gust of wind was half the fun.”